So my friend, let’s call him Lloyd to protect his identity, has a summer internship at some rich white people agency. He works with another intern who is apparently about to make him go all Stapler Guy from Office Space and burn down the building. He emailed me yesterday and asked if I’d share his pain with the world. It’s pretty fucking funny, so I said yes, so without further ado…
Shit the other intern says (Part 1):
“Obama wasn’t born in the United States. Well, maybe he was, but his birth certificate is definitely fake.” - Clever Muslim faking his own birth
“Congress is secretly working behind the scenes together. They intentionally waited until the last day to raise the debt ceiling to look like heroes.” - Yes, because if there’s two definite takeaways from this shit, it’s that 1) nobody knew before 2011 that Congress worked together ‘behind the scenes’ and 2) the public response to this fiasco has been more overwhelmingly positive than the reviews for The King’s Speech.
“Zdeno Chara is overrated and not good at hockey.” - The captain of the Stanley Cup champions is typically pretty bad at hockey. Inspires the rest of the team.
“I hit a tree going 65 miles an hour while drag racing last year. I was completely fine.” - You were only going 65 in a drag race, and you STILL hit a tree? I think God’s giving you a second chance to kill yourself proper.
“I bought new shoes that have space for toes. I cut 10 minutes off my 2-mile time.” - How fucking slow had you been going dude? I run 2 miles in like 15 minutes. What, you went from an 8-minute mile to a 3-minute one? These must be the shoes from Like Mike or some fucking voodoo shit.
“I smoked an eighth in a night and then a blunt, went to bed at 3:30 and got up for work on time the next morning.” - Wow your job must be easy as shit. To be able to do it completely stoned without sleeping like that.
More to come, more to come. Also, if you know someone who says ridiculous shit like this, please share. Misery loves company.
(EDIT: PS that’s two different Office Space references in consecutive posts PLUS a photo. What.)