The Tom Brady Facts Tumblr is gonna start kicking into high gear as the NFL season approaches. Hop onto the bandwagon while there’s still room and follow it today!!!!!
Tom Brady overcomes whiteness, ignorance of word “swag” to make Swag 100 list.
When I was a younger, more volatile man I would’ve blown a fucking gasket seeing Tom Brady ranked only #4 on the NFL Top 100 list. Is it a complete fucking joke? Of course it’s a complete fucking joke. But recently I realized that I understand Tom Brady in a way that the mass ignorant NFL heathens do not. I am Buddha to his nirvana, Moses to his burning bush, Colonel Sanders to his fried chicken. I pity the pathetic souls that would choose Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees or Calvin Johnson over Thomas Brady. I do.
May peace be upon Tom Brady’s name.
“Luke Kuechly (Boston College): Scouts rave about Kuechly’s work ethic. But here’s my counter: Why is he working so hard? What’s he trying to hide behind all that over-the-top effort? Seems like he’s a showoff. Seems like he could hurt team chemistry. Pass on this guy.” - Grantland
The praise for Kuechly has been across-the-board raving. From everything you read and hear he’s the guy you want in the middle of your defense, wearing your green dot on his helmet, leading your locker room and representing your district once Obama starts The Hunger Games. Since last season, the one word you cannot separate Kuechly from is “instinctive” They use it to describe him the way they use “difficult” to describe Keith Olbermann. But then Kuechly went to the Combine where he made the scouts choke on their stopwatches. Then he went from a likely 1st Rounder to a certain Top 15 pick. And someone who’s not likely to slip past Seattle at 12. Say what you want about BC, but this continues a streak of high picks going back from Anthony Castonzo last year to BJ Raji to Matt Ryan. They might be fighting for a Chick-fil-A Bowl bid every year, but there’s no questioning that they can turn out one 1st round talent while they do.
- Barstool Sports telling it like it is
So apparently Ryan Leaf just got arrested for busting into his friend’s house to steal prescription painkillers? Yo, every time I say something about Peyton Manning being a huge douche, Ryan Leaf just totally hops up and ups the ante way the fuck higher. Like, “oh Peyton, you made Tim Tebow go from being a starting NFL QB who won his first playoff game to being Mark Sanchez’s backup? I can beat that. BAHNG.” Remember when him and Peyton were the Robert Griffin and Andrew Luck of the 98 Draft? I hope the Colts take Luck and he’s the next Ryan Leaf. Serve them right for fucking Peyton. Then again, that begs the question, does being douchey to a douche make you more or less douchey? Karma is about to answer the question.
Yo Tumblr, I know it’s been a minute since I posted shit regularly. Well something happened recently that got the Tumblin juices going. Something so stupid, funny, awesome, and Tom Brady-y at the same time that I just gotta talk about it. And you’re getting MINIMUM one post a day from now on as a result. Hold me to it if you give a fuck.
ANYWAY that thing is of course TEBOW TO THE JETS. What in the name of Rex Ryan’s overworked asshole is this shit? Let’s review how we got here:
- Jets get Brett Favre a long time ago. Everyone thinks they learn their lesson when he leaves cause of that sucking at football and sexting pics of his dick thing.
- Jets draft Mark Sanchez. GUESS NOT
- Broncos draft Tebow. Elway fires coach for it. Fans demand Tebow plays cause Orton sucks. Tebow wins a playoff game. Elway is like “Uhh Tebow Y U NO LOSE”
- Colts cut Peyton Manning cause his neck is broken and he’s 36 but nobody else gives a fuck
- Jets give Mark Sanchez mad money
- Elway gives Peyton mad money and tells Tebow and everyone who likes Tebow to suck his D
- Everyone sucks his D cause he’s John Elway and it’s Denver
- Jets get Tebow and keep Sanchez
So basically Tebow is doing to Sanchez what Manning just did to Tebow, which is come into his city, be more popular than him, and basically fuck his life. Like seriously, who in New York LIKES Sanchez? Everyone’s assuming Sanchez is gonna stay the QB and Tebow’s gonna be some type of new position nobody’s invented yet. Hold on. Who won a playoff game last year? Who pulled off crazy win after crazy win with legendary swag? And who is considered the pussy weak link on a team otherwise filled with kinda alright thugs? The answers are Tebow, Tebow and Sanchez. Tho you could also put Brady in there for the first 2 answers and Joe Flacco for the last but whatever.
Like Mark Sanchez should be shitting the last pair of pants he didn’t already ruin while he crapped away the Jets’ last 3 seasons. Mark, NOBODY LIKES YOU. EVERYBODY LIKES TEBOW. REMEMBER KYLE ORTON? YOU’RE HIM, BUT WORSE. Seriously, this is like Rex Ryan telling his wife how much he loves massaging her feet and then he invites some really hot prude Christian chick from down the road to come over and walk barefoot around his lawn while he fantasizes about tickling the shit out of them with his fat fuckin fingers. And who the fuck knows, it’s New York, she just got dumped for an older more talented man, maybe she cracks.
All I know is that the Jets maxed out the fuckedupness of Mark Sanchez’s confidence, spent the whole offseason waiting for a way to fuck him up more, and then capitalized on the opportunity. And you know what my favorite part of this shit is? Once again it just underscores how awesome Tom Brady and the Pats have been the past 11 years, when losing a Super Bowl is considered a colossal failure because they’ve been better than everyone the whole time. You think the Pats would ever cut Brady? You think they’re trading for a dude who just started a playoff game at QB anytime soon? Fuck no.
PS How about Sean Payton getting suspended for the whole fuckin season? Makes Spygate look like the insignificant shit it really was. For the rest of his life I hope they bring this shit up and I hope that everyone his teams ever beat comes out bitching about how they should have to give back their Super Bowl and shit. But that won’t happen because the Saints aren’t the kings, the Patriots are the kings, and that’s how it’s gonna be until Brady and Belichick stop dominating the world and ascend into football heaven together.
I know this victory ain’t nothin and there’s a much bigger game comin’ up next Sunday but…
DO YOU SEE NOW AMERICA? DO YOU SEE WHY WE LOVE THEM? DO YOU SEE HOW THEY SET FIRE TO DOUBT AND CAST ADVERSITY INTO THE SEA? DO YOU SEE?????
That was an amazing
annihilation emasculation victory. I ain’t even celebratin’ tho. We ain’t done yet.
Darth Belichick. Thank you Barstool.
I am fucking freaking out about this game tonight more than any game since the 2004 MLB playoffs. I am almost crying and the game is 6 hours away. Everything in the world is trying to convince me that the Patriots will lose this game, the dynasty will officially be over, and my life will be a downward spiral that ends with me ODing on heroin in a pool of my own bodily fluids at age 24. So here are some facts from history (not just sports history… all history) to make myself (and you if you’re anything like me) feel less heart attacky:
- The Pats’ recent playoff losses can be explained: the 2010 Jets were the ONLY team that had the Pats’ number. The handed the Pats 2 out their 3 losses, even tho the Pats did crush them by 42 points in between. The Pats clearly got their shit together and spanked the Jets every time they played this season.
- The 2009 Pats loss was ugly, yes, but it was in large part due to Wes Welker, the only player besides Brady they couldn’t afford to lose, going down with a torn ACL the week before. They didn’t have time to adjust. Imagine slashing two of the tires on your car and then trying to drive 60 miles an hour down the highway for an hour straight. That’s what the Pats were trying to do.
- Super Bowl 42 was the biggest fluke in the history of sports. Eli Manning avoiding five sacks and then a no-talent receiver catching a pass with his fucking head? Fuck that. Tim Tebow has never come close to a play like that. Plus the Pats had already beaten the Giants last year! Wait, they’ve already beaten the Broncos… moving on!
- The Boston Red Sox beat the Yankees in 2004. The sports gods do not hate Boston.
- Steven Tyler is not dead yet. I can’t see how the Brady-Belichick throne falls before Steven Tyler ends up in a nursing home.
- If this were the movie Scarface, Tebow would be Tony Montana, his critics would be Frank Lopez, the Steelers would be the guys Tony killed when they tried to make him kill some kids, and the Patriots are Sosa. Translation: the Patriots are the all-controlling boss that end Tebow’s rags-to-riches run with a brutally over the top exercise in overkill that sees Tebow and his entire organization annihilated with military-like precision.
- (That was a great fucking analogy and you cannot deny it)
- In 1986, Michael Jordan, the Tim Tebow of 1986 except with talent instead of religion, set a still-unbroken record with 63 points against the Celtics, the Patriots of 1986. You know what happened? The Celtics won anyway.
- The American Revolution started in Boston, not Denver. By PATRIOTS.
- Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez are still unstoppable. And Gronkowski is probably the only sub-25 year old in the NFL who could compete with Tebow for girls if Tebow had any interest in girls
- Remember the last time the Patriots played the Broncos, with Tebow having convinced the whole country he could shit out miracles at will and the Patriots supposedly falling? REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED? LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF! AHHHHH
The Heat sold their souls, Lebron would never get a Ring without The Devil's Help!
Back from my weekend :)
I’m OFFICIALLY going to Boston College! How exciting!
Sadly, in other news, I gave in to the temptations of food in Boston...
ON THAT 4-0 SWAG.. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE
lets go eagles
Sometimes I love my school.
AND SOMETIMES I FUCKING LOVE MY SCHOOL.
LMFAO SO I GUESS RIGHT NOW WE'LL GET ANOTHER DOUBLE PLAY