Trying to reattach my ass right now. Swagger overload. Thank Me Later.
So my friend, let’s call him Lloyd to protect his identity, has a summer internship at some rich white people agency. He works with another intern who is apparently about to make him go all Stapler Guy from Office Space and burn down the building. He emailed me yesterday and asked if I’d share his pain with the world. It’s pretty fucking funny, so I said yes, so without further ado…
Shit the other intern says (Part 1):
“Obama wasn’t born in the United States. Well, maybe he was, but his birth certificate is definitely fake.” - Clever Muslim faking his own birth
“Congress is secretly working behind the scenes together. They intentionally waited until the last day to raise the debt ceiling to look like heroes.” - Yes, because if there’s two definite takeaways from this shit, it’s that 1) nobody knew before 2011 that Congress worked together ‘behind the scenes’ and 2) the public response to this fiasco has been more overwhelmingly positive than the reviews for The King’s Speech.
“Zdeno Chara is overrated and not good at hockey.” - The captain of the Stanley Cup champions is typically pretty bad at hockey. Inspires the rest of the team.
“I hit a tree going 65 miles an hour while drag racing last year. I was completely fine.” - You were only going 65 in a drag race, and you STILL hit a tree? I think God’s giving you a second chance to kill yourself proper.
“I bought new shoes that have space for toes. I cut 10 minutes off my 2-mile time.” - How fucking slow had you been going dude? I run 2 miles in like 15 minutes. What, you went from an 8-minute mile to a 3-minute one? These must be the shoes from Like Mike or some fucking voodoo shit.
“I smoked an eighth in a night and then a blunt, went to bed at 3:30 and got up for work on time the next morning.” - Wow your job must be easy as shit. To be able to do it completely stoned without sleeping like that.
More to come, more to come. Also, if you know someone who says ridiculous shit like this, please share. Misery loves company.
(EDIT: PS that’s two different Office Space references in consecutive posts PLUS a photo. What.)
Apparently this email, from some old British lady to her soon-to-be step-daughter-in-law has been kicking around the Internet for a few weeks, but I just saw it today on cnn.com next to pictures of John Boehner’s ugly-ass mug. You think your boss, your teachers, or those douchebag hipsters you know are rude? HA. This is the new gold standard of arrogant assholery:
It is high time someone explained to you about good manners. Yours are obvious by their absence and I feel sorry for you.
Unfortunately for Freddie, he has fallen in love with you and Freddie being Freddie, I gather it is not easy to reason with him or yet encourage him to consider how he might be able to help you. It may just be possible to get through to you though. I do hope so.
If you want to be accepted by the wider Bourne family I suggest you take some guidance from experts with utmost haste. There are plenty of finishing schools around.
Please, for your own good, for Freddie’s sake and for your future involvement with the Bourne family, do something as soon as possible.
Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:
When you are a guest in another’s house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat — unless you are positively allergic to something. You do not remark that you do not have enough food. You do not start before everyone else.
You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.
When a guest in another’s house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early — you fall in line with house norms.
You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.
You should have hand-written a card to me. You have never written to thank me when you have stayed.
You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why.
No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.
I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters’ marriages.)
If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.
I am officially terrified of going to England in the fall and finding some old bitch like this. Hopefully this taught them all to keep their snobby tea-and-crumpets attitude up their assholes where it belongs.
Happy 28th birthday to the greatest post game interviewer in sports history, Kellen Winslow Jr. I guess he’s had a mildly successful NFL career with the Browns and Buccaneers, but honestly I don’t really give a shit cause that’s not why I love him.
8 years ago, while he still was rockin’ a 1.67 GPA at The U, he had pretty much the most awesome, swagtastic, one-minute meltdown in the history of sports, flipping out after some jackass reporter asked him if he felt bad about breaking a dude’s knee or some pussy shit like that. Gotta love how he tries to keep from swearing at the start and then completely loses his shit after like 10 seconds.
What set off the atomic bomb inside Kellen Winslow’s brain? I’m not in the military, so I can’t pretend to know what goes on inside the mind of a solider. But my guess is that he remembered he doesn’t give a flying-you-know what about anything except This U (sorry Mom and Dad). Cause hes’ a fucking solider. So there’s no way he’s playing by your rules. Cause he’s a fucking soldier. And it’s war out there.
AND HE’S A FUCKING SOLDIER
The Heat sold their souls, Lebron would never get a Ring without The Devil's Help!
Back from my weekend :)
I’m OFFICIALLY going to Boston College! How exciting!
Sadly, in other news, I gave in to the temptations of food in Boston...
ON THAT 4-0 SWAG.. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE
lets go eagles
Sometimes I love my school.
AND SOMETIMES I FUCKING LOVE MY SCHOOL.
LMFAO SO I GUESS RIGHT NOW WE'LL GET ANOTHER DOUBLE PLAY