You know how sometimes someone’s team loses so badly that they say they’re gonna leave the country? After today’s Boston College football debacle, I literally did that. No fucking around. British Airways to London. Get me the fuck out of Chestnut Hill and these missed field goals with under a minute in the fourth quarter down one little point.
If it wasn’t for Luke Kuechly I don’t know if I could even handle the physical agony of watching this fuckin’ football team anymore. 0-3 AKA totally fucked. If Spaz is serious about winning they’ll give Montel Harris the old injury red shirt, give Luke whatever illegal benefits they have to so that he doesn’t jump to the NFL, and start this shit over again next year when all the good players are back and all the bad players are not as bad.
Seriously tho, let’s have Quigley kick the field goals. Why can’t the punter also be the place kicker? I’ve never understood this. It makes no sense. What is so different about field goals and punting? Like if you can do one already, you can probably learn the other pretty easily right? It’s like if baseball teams had one pitcher who threw fastballs and another who threw curveballs and just kept platooned them in and out from right field depending on the count. It’s not like you could get any worse than the guy who’s missing an extra point and the game-winning field goal every week. Coaching is all about innovation and making the right move BEFORE it’s necessary. It’s already necessary, so let’s do it Spaz! And get me that Swag Coordinator gig when I’m back on campus in 2012. OR THE WORLD WILL END.
Now that I’ve finally stopped crying and masturbating to try and make myself feel better about BC’s loss this weeknd to Northwestern, I’m taking the time to rehash the shit and order some of the chaos, since all my previous suggestions have clearly been ignored.
What’s that you say? Nobody on Tumblr cares about BC football? Well, FUCK YOU! I GIVE A SHIT! It’s the runt of the fucking litter on the Boston sports scene, but goddamnit it needs love too!!! Shit you should be a fan just as penance for all the greed, gluttony and lust that comes from watching Tom Brady play football every week since 2001 (except for that year the world stopped spinning. Fuck everything that happened in sports in 2008 after the C’s won).
Anyway, BC against Northwestern. First things first: Luke Kuechly is a motherfucking monster and everyone should know. He’s an unstoppable force of football badassery that would probably be getting Tim Tebow dicksuckage if he played south of the Mason-Dixon line. He had 19 tackles and a pick that he was literally 1 yard short of returning to the house. Basically, if you took Superman’s powers and combined them with Batman’s eyes-on-the-prize swag, you get Luke Kuechly on a football field.
#2 things second: Montel Harris really pisses me off when he’s not playing. Going back to last November, he’s missed BC’s last 3 and a half games and is going to miss at least 2 more. Before that, he’d never missed a game and was on pace to shatter every rushing record in BC history. Oh, and he’s the only football player to make me jizz myself one-tenth as much as I do for Tom Brady. I still jerk off to the memory of his game against NC State my freshman year when I got to the stadium 30 minutes early, spent the entire time leading up to kickoff talking about how Montel was our God only to be told to keep it in my pants and what happens? Montel runs for a kagillion yards and five touchdowns. Breaking records like Usain Bolt on cocaine and everyone’s been trying to push me off his dick so they can have a turn ever since.
Anyway, I bring this up because I’m like 99.999% positive that if he’d played, we’d have won. The statline for his backup said like 114 yards on 20 something carries, but that was deceptive. He really wasn’t that good. On the first play of the game, he hit a whole wider than Britney Spears’ vagina for a 69 yard run that Montel would have actually taken to the end zone, and after that, he couldn’t get 2 yards up the field. Did I mention that we didn’t score a TD on that opening drive btw? The number of easy points BC fucked up (10) would have won them the game.
Chase Rettig, the QB who makes me feel old cause he’s younger than me, actually played very well. The O-line did its very best to make him look shitty tho. He must have fucked one of their girlfriends or something cause they were letting those purple jerseys get up in his grill like they promised to make cheeseburgers on it. The fact that he didn’t get squished into the ground like Silly Putty is really testament to his white boy scrambling skills.
The guy catching most of Chase’s passes was Ifeanyi Momah, who has hands down the most fun name to scream out like a Middle Earth battle cry ever since Okechukwu Okorhoa got thrown off the team. He kept leapfrogging defenders to pull in deep passes until of course he fucked up his giant knee and is now out for the season. Hooray. At least the greatest Twitter user on the planet AKA Colin Larmond hasn’t got hurt again *knocks on wood until the season ends*.
The pass defense, on the other hand, was, uh… disconcerting. Actually, that’s the wrong word to use. I’m pretty sure Spaz was running the “Drew Barrymore in Scream” scheme because they were getting sliced and diced like a stuck pig all afternoon. By a backup QB. Cut to me in the stands screaming in powerless terror as the overmatched corners can’t hear me and their guts are spilling all over the motherfucking field every goddamned third down. The horror, the horror.
Lastly, the kicker. Oh, the kicker. If only the kicker could have made those two kicks in the first half that he should have made. Then BC’s only down 1 point with the ball at the end of the game instead of 7. Then instead of throwing a hail mary at the end of the game, they can, you know KICK A FUCKING FIELD GOAL AND WIN. Ugh. Poor kid probably needs a blowjob to pick his spirits back up before he ever has the confidence to make another kick. Too bad he’s the kicker.
Well, there you have it. Normally I thank people for reading posts that long cause I know everyone on this bitch has ADD spewing out their buttcheeks, but frankly if you didn’t read all this shit you’re a terrible Superfan and you’re gonna flunk out of school by the end of next semester. Applies even if you don’t go to BC. Yeah, frightening shit.
Deuces (Montel LEGGO!)
These are Boston College’s uniform combinations for the 2011 football season. Also, #26 is Dominick LeGrande, who will not be at Boston College for the 2011 football season, but that’s not the point.
Grantland.com has a piece up today about how Oregon’s crazy uniforms played maybe the biggest part in turning them into the national power they are today. The fact that Nike’s CEO went there and has donated like a billion dollars for them to build training facilities that make the shit that unparalyzes people and turns them ten feet tall and blue in Avatar look dated is mostly overlooked, but again, not the point.
Boston College should embrace this tactic. The article says that since Oregon doesn’t have the tradition of Penn State, Alabama or Texas, they have to be the “future” of football in order to recruit athletes. Well, BC has a bit of tradition to recruit on (read: Doug Flutie), but if they’re gonna compete with the likes of Florida State, they need to embrace Oregon’s forward-thinking philosophy in a way that is entirely unique to a Jesuit-founded school: embrace the Second Coming.
Is it more blasphemous to use God to attract recruits, or not use God to encourage conversion at a Catholic school? Think about it. But first, here are some of my ideas to build BC into the next BCS power:
- Change the team’s name to the Jesus Eagles and rename the field Wrath of God Stadium
- Deck the stadium, maybe even the whole campus out in goth black mass type shit that’ll scared the fuckin’ hell out of nonbelievers (in BC football)
- Redo the jerseys so that they drip blood. Not look like they drip blood. Actually drip blood.
- Add a hand extending from the clouds chucking lightning bolts at Christian Ponder’s torched carcass to the helmet. That’s about a thousand times better than having no fucking logo at all.
- Translate all the signs and pre-recorded PA announcements in the stadium into Latin. Everything’s more intimidating in Latin.
- Light a giant fire on top of these arches and keep it from ever going out, like a Chestnut Hill version of the Olympic Flame. We’ll call it, “the Flutie Fire.” Whenever the visiting team scores its first touchdown, a life-sized dummy decked out in their uniform will be tossed into the Flutie Fire as they line up to kick the extra point. The flame will roar violently, and after every subsequent score the opposing team’s kicker will shank the point after attempt out of sheer terror.
- Change the names on all the defensive players’ jerseys to read “God Forgives, I Don’t”
- Switch out the water in the Gatorade coolers on the visiting team’s sideline for wine during halftime. After that, we can all sit back and enjoy the hilarious missed tackles, botched kickoffs and mind-boggling turnovers.
- Immediately after the next away game against Notre Dame, steal the Touchdown Jesus, bring him back to Chesnut Hill and roast him in the Flutie Fire. THAT will get the team some more network coverage.
- And if all that still doesn’t bring a BCS bowl appearance to BC, do what the truly successful teams do… cheat, cheat and cheat until the NCAA catches you and buttfucks you so hard you can cheat no more.
PS: If you go to church please remember that this is a joke. And “judge lest ye be judged” and casting the first stone and all that good stuff. Thank you.
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon keeps on rolling: Charlotte Observer
“You’ve probably heard of Boston College’s Luke Kuechly.
He’s the guy with the hard-to-pronounce last name, who college football analysts mention first when they review the ACC’s top returning players.
He’s the 6-foot-3, 237-pound junior middle linebacker who collects tackles like fraternity guys hoard T-shirts. His 110 solo stops last season put him close to the NCAA’s single-season solo tackle record of 135 set nine years ago by Maryland’s E.J. Henderson.
Last season, after he led the nation with 183 tackles, Kuechly was named a consensus All-America. He has 341 career tackles.
“He’s not only head and shoulders above the ACC class,” ESPN analyst and former Florida State quarterback Danny Kanell said. “He’s right there head and shoulders, almost above anybody in the entire country. I really believe that he has superstar potential.”
Here are some other ACC playmakers expected to shine this season:
Boston Col., 5-10, 207, Sr., RB
If he can stay healthy, Harris has a legitimate shot at breaking former N.C. State running back Ted Brown’s 33-year-old ACC record for career rushing yards.
The ACC media’s Preseason Player of the Year, Harris needs 1,003 yards to break Brown’s record, just 125 yards to break Boston College’s all-time record. However, he won’t play in the Eagles’ Sept. 3 opener against Northwestern as he recovers from recent arthroscopic surgery on his left knee. He’s expected to miss as many as three games at the start of the season.”
Luke Kuechly has knocked the fuck out of so many college football players in the state of North Carolina that now even the writers are scared of him. Tho the fact that Montel’s out three games is enough to make me cry. Pray for his swagger’s quick recovery.
So a few days after BC kicked one of its starting safeties off the team for having too crazy a name (Okechukwu Okorhoa), the other one, the infamous Dom LeGrande, decides he wants to transfer for his senior year. Fuckin’ crazy. In Kuechly we trust #Kuechly40Heisman
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon keeps on rolling… Rivals.com:
They ranked him the #8 play in the NCAA. A little low, but hey, at least they recognize:
“There isn’t a more prolific tackler in the nation than this guy. Kuechly has an astounding career average of 13.1 tackles per game to lead all active FBS players. He had 183 tackles (20 more than anyone else) last season while posting an NCAA-leading 110 solos. He had ranked second nationally in each of those categories as a freshman. Kuechly has made at least 10 tackles in 22 consecutive games, the longest such streak in the nation.”
You know what SHOULDN’T be headline news? When the senior who was your starting quarterback last year is still your starting quarterback. Fucking Notre Dame. Indecisive fucks.
So Cam Newton is slated to start Carolina’s second preseason game, after Jimmy Clausen AKA The Schoolboy Bitch AKA Fuckface started the first. I know what you’re thinking: “Why does a Patriots fan give a flying fuck about a team that went 2-14 last season?” Well here’s why.
I love Cam Newton. He is my favorite non-BC college football player of all time, because his 2010 season was the most amazing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, dude made my jaw drop every week. My Saturdays went like this: watch BC, watch Cam, party. It was fucking beautiful. Search “Cam Newton top 10” on YouTube. You will buy his Auburn #2 jersey just like I did.
Anyway, when he got drafted by Carolina, #1 overall I was proud of my boy. Then the Clausen problem. Jimmy Clausen, of course, is the whiny little bitch who used to play QB at Whiny Little Bitch U AKA Notre Dame. Fuckface was supposed to be the best QB in the NCAA, but uh, that never happened. Then he was supposed to be a top 10 pick, but uh, that never happened either (suck it Mel Kiper!). Then he was supposed to be a good rookie QB, but uh, he threw a million picks instead.
Obviously the Panthers jump on the chance to get Cam (The Schoolboy Bitch was the reason they were picking #1 anyway), but then Cam comes to camp and Jimmy won’t give up the #2 jersey? Fuck you, Jimmy! Who the fuck do you think you are? I bet him and Brady Quinn spent the entire lockout sailing back and forth between their parents’ beach houses in Maryland, bitching about how Cam Newton and Tim Tebow aren’t really better than they are between ripping hits from the bong and calling each other “bro.” Be warned football recruits. Taking a scholarship to play at Notre Dame turns you into a whiny bitch who gets cuckolded in the pros by the same guy who won the Heisman the year Daddy promised YOU’d win it. Fuck Jimmy Clausen the Schoolboy Bitch and fuck Brady Quinn, shame to the Brady name.
Terrelle Pryor is gonna be let in the NFL supplemental draft, but he has to sit out the first five games of the season, just like he would’ve had to at Ohio State this year. Some people are pissed about this, like “how can the NFL punish him for something he did in college?” You know what I say? NFL has got BALLS. It’s refreshing to see someone have to actually deal with the fuckin’ consequences of rule-breaking in college, instead of running away to the pros and making millions of dollars while their schools take all the shit for them. Like, why stop with Terrelle? Why should Reggie Bush and Pete Carroll be allowed to do whatever the fuck they want while USC takes it up the ass for something those two clowns did?
Funny how none of these problems would exist if the greedy fucks who run college football just agreed to pay the kids who they were making all their money off. Sure they’re amateurs, and if you wanna say don’t pay them for that reason, fine. But in that case, all games are free, and you can’t sell merch. If the players don’t profit, why should anyone else? And if the players break rules, why should they be able to run to the pros to escape the consequences while their schools suffer cruel and unusual punishment? This whole system is fucked
Bad news to start the year - Montel Harris is out 3-4 weeks according to Spaz. Not good with two tough games to start the year. Rettig and Williams better be ready to show some swagger, or BC is in trouble early. Someone punch me in the face…
MotherFUCKER. Dude missed the last two games of last season, now he’s hurt AGAIN? This is like a sick fucking joke. Did I cause this by saying he was gonna end up on top of Yahoo’s RB rankings? Did I jinx Montel? No, can’t think that way. Fuck, is there anything in sports more frustrating than when a star gets hurt in the preseason? I am beyond frustrated right now. Get better Montel, we need you and your tremendous swag now more than ever.
So Oregon’s football coach indefinitely suspended one of their players, Cliff Harris, for getting pulled over for going like 120 miles an hour on the highway at 4:30 AM. When the cop pulled him over, he smelled weed but Cliff smartly told him “we smoked it all.” Badass.
However, Oregon’s QB Darron Thomas was a passenger in the car. And he didn’t get in any trouble at all. Last year, Thomas was in the car with the team’s old starting QB, who got pulled over, coughed up some weed, and was kicked off the team. Before that, he was the passenger in a car his teammate was drag racing and crashed into a van. But this dude didn’t get in trouble for that either.
So the moral of the story kids, is this: ALWAYS LET YOUR FRIENDS DRIVE.
Some people may think I shit on the University of Miami unfairly, posting decades-old videos of them getting smoked by Doug Flutie and another of their star tight end going on profanity-laced tirades confusing football for the military, or just by referring to them as “Thug U” and telling them to suck Montel Harris’ dick. Well, turns out they can suck the whole NCAA’s dick for the foreseeable future. Remember how USC got absolutely fucked because Reggie Bush received improper benefits? Well, turns out this former Miami booster who’s heading to prison decided to take the ship down with him and revealed that he gave improper benefits to SEVENTY-TWO players on the Miami football team. 72! That’s the whole fucking roster during any given season, plus the redshirts!
And this wasn’t little shit like “oh I traded them some signed jerseys for a tattoo,” this was “I took a bunch of 18- and 19-year-olds to a 21+ club, got them fucked up beyond all recognition and paid some women to fuck them.” Theoretically, since this shit went down with SEVENTY-TWO players and USC lost two years of bowl eligibility and thirty scholarships for what happened to ONE player (two if you count OJ Mayo on the basketball team), shouldn’t Miami’s penalty be… well, seventy-two times as harsh??? If there’s any justice, the University of Miami will be banned from postseason play for 140 straight seasons, and lose 2,100 scholarships. SUCK MONTEL’S DICK, BITCHES!!!
The Heat sold their souls, Lebron would never get a Ring without The Devil's Help!
Back from my weekend :)
I’m OFFICIALLY going to Boston College! How exciting!
Sadly, in other news, I gave in to the temptations of food in Boston...
ON THAT 4-0 SWAG.. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE
lets go eagles
Sometimes I love my school.
AND SOMETIMES I FUCKING LOVE MY SCHOOL.
LMFAO SO I GUESS RIGHT NOW WE'LL GET ANOTHER DOUBLE PLAY