Now that I’ve finally stopped crying and masturbating to try and make myself feel better about BC’s loss this weeknd to Northwestern, I’m taking the time to rehash the shit and order some of the chaos, since all my previous suggestions have clearly been ignored. 

What’s that you say?  Nobody on Tumblr cares about BC football?  Well, FUCK YOU!  I GIVE A SHIT!  It’s the runt of the fucking litter on the Boston sports scene, but goddamnit it needs love too!!!  Shit you should be a fan just as penance for all the greed, gluttony and lust that comes from watching Tom Brady play football every week since 2001 (except for that year the world stopped spinning.  Fuck everything that happened in sports in 2008 after the C’s won). 

Anyway, BC against Northwestern.  First things first:  Luke Kuechly is a motherfucking monster and everyone should know.  He’s an unstoppable force of football badassery that would probably be getting Tim Tebow dicksuckage if he played south of the Mason-Dixon line.  He had 19 tackles and a pick that he was literally 1 yard short of returning to the house.  Basically, if you took Superman’s powers and combined them with Batman’s eyes-on-the-prize swag, you get Luke Kuechly on a football field.

#2 things second: Montel Harris really pisses me off when he’s not playing.  Going back to last November, he’s missed BC’s last 3 and a half games and is going to miss at least 2 more.  Before that, he’d never missed a game and was on pace to shatter every rushing record in BC history.  Oh, and he’s the only football player to make me jizz myself one-tenth as much as I do for Tom Brady.  I still jerk off to the memory of his game against NC State my freshman year when I got to the stadium 30 minutes early, spent the entire time leading up to kickoff talking about how Montel was our God only to be told to keep it in my pants and what happens?  Montel runs for a kagillion yards and five touchdowns.  Breaking records like Usain Bolt on cocaine and everyone’s been trying to push me off his dick so they can have a turn ever since. 

Anyway, I bring this up because I’m like 99.999% positive that if he’d played, we’d have won.  The statline for his backup said like 114 yards on 20 something carries, but that was deceptive.  He really wasn’t that good.  On the first play of the game, he hit a whole wider than Britney Spears’ vagina for a 69 yard run that Montel would have actually taken to the end zone, and after that, he couldn’t get 2 yards up the field.  Did I mention that we didn’t score a TD on that opening drive btw?  The number of easy points BC fucked up (10) would have won them the game. 

Chase Rettig, the QB who makes me feel old cause he’s younger than me, actually played very well.  The O-line did its very best to make him look shitty tho.  He must have fucked one of their girlfriends or something cause they were letting those purple jerseys get up in his grill like they promised to make cheeseburgers on it.  The fact that he didn’t get squished into the ground like Silly Putty is really testament to his white boy scrambling skills. 

The guy catching most of Chase’s passes was Ifeanyi Momah, who has hands down the most fun name to scream out like a Middle Earth battle cry ever since Okechukwu Okorhoa got thrown off the team.  He kept leapfrogging defenders to pull in deep passes until of course he fucked up his giant knee and is now out for the season.  Hooray.  At least the greatest Twitter user on the planet AKA Colin Larmond hasn’t got hurt again *knocks on wood until the season ends*. 

The pass defense, on the other hand, was, uh… disconcerting.  Actually, that’s the wrong word to use.  I’m pretty sure Spaz was running the “Drew Barrymore in Scream” scheme because they were getting sliced and diced like a stuck pig all afternoon.  By a backup QB.  Cut to me in the stands screaming in powerless terror as the overmatched corners can’t hear me and their guts are spilling all over the motherfucking field every goddamned third down.  The horror, the horror. 

Lastly, the kicker.  Oh, the kicker.  If only the kicker could have made those two kicks in the first half that he should have made.  Then BC’s only down 1 point with the ball at the end of the game instead of 7.  Then instead of throwing a hail mary at the end of the game, they can, you know KICK A FUCKING FIELD GOAL AND WIN.  Ugh.  Poor kid probably needs a blowjob to pick his spirits back up before he ever has the confidence to make another kick.  Too bad he’s the kicker. 

Well, there you have it.  Normally I thank people for reading posts that long cause I know everyone on this bitch has ADD spewing out their buttcheeks, but frankly if you didn’t read all this shit you’re a terrible Superfan and you’re gonna flunk out of school by the end of next semester.  Applies even if you don’t go to BC.  Yeah, frightening shit.

Deuces (Montel LEGGO!)