Johnny Gaudreau just went absolutely beast mode all over Ferris State. Can you say NATIONAL TITLE SWAG????
Mafuckas thought I tore my ACL? Nah I straight walked that shit off son. Dunkin and swattin that’s ALL I DO. Unibrow swag all day errday.
If Andrew Luck was a great leader, he’d have inspired his kicker to make those kicks. And inspired his defense to block that kick. And have not allowed Stanford to run a running play on 2nd and long in OT.
Muahaha he may be good but he’s no Tim Tebow
Also, those OSU snapbacks are pretty ill
INCOMING BC FRESHMEN:
YOU’RE ALL INVITED TO VANDY 311’S PARTIES.
WE DON’T LIVE THERE ANYMORE BUT YOU SHOULD STILL SHOW UP THERE FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES.
WHEN SENIOR HOUSING IS ALLOCATED, YOU ACTUALLY WILL BE INVITED TO VANDY 311’S PARTIES IF YOU ARE FOLLOWING THIS BLOG
AND AS LONG AS YOU LAUGH AT ALL THE JOKES.
EVEN WHEN THEY AREN’T FUNNY.
BUT THAT NEVER HAPPENS.
EXCEPT WHEN I’M DRUNK.
THEN THEY’RE SWAGTACULAR.
WELCOME TO THE BEST FOUR YEARS OF YOUR LIFE
Luke Kuechly has 168 tackles so far this year and there are two games left on the schedule. Need I say more??? Fucking beast. Makes smashing records look like child’s play. But if he leaves for the NFL and skips our senior year (yes, OUR senior year. Boy was in my accounting class… wasup) I’m gonna flip the fuck out. Rest of the world beyond Boston College, here is your fair warning: Luke Kuechly is an animal and if your favorite NFL team doesn’t draft him, he’s going to be tossing your players around like helpless sacks of potatoes for years and years and years.
You know how sometimes someone’s team loses so badly that they say they’re gonna leave the country? After today’s Boston College football debacle, I literally did that. No fucking around. British Airways to London. Get me the fuck out of Chestnut Hill and these missed field goals with under a minute in the fourth quarter down one little point.
If it wasn’t for Luke Kuechly I don’t know if I could even handle the physical agony of watching this fuckin’ football team anymore. 0-3 AKA totally fucked. If Spaz is serious about winning they’ll give Montel Harris the old injury red shirt, give Luke whatever illegal benefits they have to so that he doesn’t jump to the NFL, and start this shit over again next year when all the good players are back and all the bad players are not as bad.
Seriously tho, let’s have Quigley kick the field goals. Why can’t the punter also be the place kicker? I’ve never understood this. It makes no sense. What is so different about field goals and punting? Like if you can do one already, you can probably learn the other pretty easily right? It’s like if baseball teams had one pitcher who threw fastballs and another who threw curveballs and just kept platooned them in and out from right field depending on the count. It’s not like you could get any worse than the guy who’s missing an extra point and the game-winning field goal every week. Coaching is all about innovation and making the right move BEFORE it’s necessary. It’s already necessary, so let’s do it Spaz! And get me that Swag Coordinator gig when I’m back on campus in 2012. OR THE WORLD WILL END.
Now that I’ve finally stopped crying and masturbating to try and make myself feel better about BC’s loss this weeknd to Northwestern, I’m taking the time to rehash the shit and order some of the chaos, since all my previous suggestions have clearly been ignored.
What’s that you say? Nobody on Tumblr cares about BC football? Well, FUCK YOU! I GIVE A SHIT! It’s the runt of the fucking litter on the Boston sports scene, but goddamnit it needs love too!!! Shit you should be a fan just as penance for all the greed, gluttony and lust that comes from watching Tom Brady play football every week since 2001 (except for that year the world stopped spinning. Fuck everything that happened in sports in 2008 after the C’s won).
Anyway, BC against Northwestern. First things first: Luke Kuechly is a motherfucking monster and everyone should know. He’s an unstoppable force of football badassery that would probably be getting Tim Tebow dicksuckage if he played south of the Mason-Dixon line. He had 19 tackles and a pick that he was literally 1 yard short of returning to the house. Basically, if you took Superman’s powers and combined them with Batman’s eyes-on-the-prize swag, you get Luke Kuechly on a football field.
#2 things second: Montel Harris really pisses me off when he’s not playing. Going back to last November, he’s missed BC’s last 3 and a half games and is going to miss at least 2 more. Before that, he’d never missed a game and was on pace to shatter every rushing record in BC history. Oh, and he’s the only football player to make me jizz myself one-tenth as much as I do for Tom Brady. I still jerk off to the memory of his game against NC State my freshman year when I got to the stadium 30 minutes early, spent the entire time leading up to kickoff talking about how Montel was our God only to be told to keep it in my pants and what happens? Montel runs for a kagillion yards and five touchdowns. Breaking records like Usain Bolt on cocaine and everyone’s been trying to push me off his dick so they can have a turn ever since.
Anyway, I bring this up because I’m like 99.999% positive that if he’d played, we’d have won. The statline for his backup said like 114 yards on 20 something carries, but that was deceptive. He really wasn’t that good. On the first play of the game, he hit a whole wider than Britney Spears’ vagina for a 69 yard run that Montel would have actually taken to the end zone, and after that, he couldn’t get 2 yards up the field. Did I mention that we didn’t score a TD on that opening drive btw? The number of easy points BC fucked up (10) would have won them the game.
Chase Rettig, the QB who makes me feel old cause he’s younger than me, actually played very well. The O-line did its very best to make him look shitty tho. He must have fucked one of their girlfriends or something cause they were letting those purple jerseys get up in his grill like they promised to make cheeseburgers on it. The fact that he didn’t get squished into the ground like Silly Putty is really testament to his white boy scrambling skills.
The guy catching most of Chase’s passes was Ifeanyi Momah, who has hands down the most fun name to scream out like a Middle Earth battle cry ever since Okechukwu Okorhoa got thrown off the team. He kept leapfrogging defenders to pull in deep passes until of course he fucked up his giant knee and is now out for the season. Hooray. At least the greatest Twitter user on the planet AKA Colin Larmond hasn’t got hurt again *knocks on wood until the season ends*.
The pass defense, on the other hand, was, uh… disconcerting. Actually, that’s the wrong word to use. I’m pretty sure Spaz was running the “Drew Barrymore in Scream” scheme because they were getting sliced and diced like a stuck pig all afternoon. By a backup QB. Cut to me in the stands screaming in powerless terror as the overmatched corners can’t hear me and their guts are spilling all over the motherfucking field every goddamned third down. The horror, the horror.
Lastly, the kicker. Oh, the kicker. If only the kicker could have made those two kicks in the first half that he should have made. Then BC’s only down 1 point with the ball at the end of the game instead of 7. Then instead of throwing a hail mary at the end of the game, they can, you know KICK A FUCKING FIELD GOAL AND WIN. Ugh. Poor kid probably needs a blowjob to pick his spirits back up before he ever has the confidence to make another kick. Too bad he’s the kicker.
Well, there you have it. Normally I thank people for reading posts that long cause I know everyone on this bitch has ADD spewing out their buttcheeks, but frankly if you didn’t read all this shit you’re a terrible Superfan and you’re gonna flunk out of school by the end of next semester. Applies even if you don’t go to BC. Yeah, frightening shit.
Deuces (Montel LEGGO!)
These are Boston College’s uniform combinations for the 2011 football season. Also, #26 is Dominick LeGrande, who will not be at Boston College for the 2011 football season, but that’s not the point.
Grantland.com has a piece up today about how Oregon’s crazy uniforms played maybe the biggest part in turning them into the national power they are today. The fact that Nike’s CEO went there and has donated like a billion dollars for them to build training facilities that make the shit that unparalyzes people and turns them ten feet tall and blue in Avatar look dated is mostly overlooked, but again, not the point.
Boston College should embrace this tactic. The article says that since Oregon doesn’t have the tradition of Penn State, Alabama or Texas, they have to be the “future” of football in order to recruit athletes. Well, BC has a bit of tradition to recruit on (read: Doug Flutie), but if they’re gonna compete with the likes of Florida State, they need to embrace Oregon’s forward-thinking philosophy in a way that is entirely unique to a Jesuit-founded school: embrace the Second Coming.
Is it more blasphemous to use God to attract recruits, or not use God to encourage conversion at a Catholic school? Think about it. But first, here are some of my ideas to build BC into the next BCS power:
- Change the team’s name to the Jesus Eagles and rename the field Wrath of God Stadium
- Deck the stadium, maybe even the whole campus out in goth black mass type shit that’ll scared the fuckin’ hell out of nonbelievers (in BC football)
- Redo the jerseys so that they drip blood. Not look like they drip blood. Actually drip blood.
- Add a hand extending from the clouds chucking lightning bolts at Christian Ponder’s torched carcass to the helmet. That’s about a thousand times better than having no fucking logo at all.
- Translate all the signs and pre-recorded PA announcements in the stadium into Latin. Everything’s more intimidating in Latin.
- Light a giant fire on top of these arches and keep it from ever going out, like a Chestnut Hill version of the Olympic Flame. We’ll call it, “the Flutie Fire.” Whenever the visiting team scores its first touchdown, a life-sized dummy decked out in their uniform will be tossed into the Flutie Fire as they line up to kick the extra point. The flame will roar violently, and after every subsequent score the opposing team’s kicker will shank the point after attempt out of sheer terror.
- Change the names on all the defensive players’ jerseys to read “God Forgives, I Don’t”
- Switch out the water in the Gatorade coolers on the visiting team’s sideline for wine during halftime. After that, we can all sit back and enjoy the hilarious missed tackles, botched kickoffs and mind-boggling turnovers.
- Immediately after the next away game against Notre Dame, steal the Touchdown Jesus, bring him back to Chesnut Hill and roast him in the Flutie Fire. THAT will get the team some more network coverage.
- And if all that still doesn’t bring a BCS bowl appearance to BC, do what the truly successful teams do… cheat, cheat and cheat until the NCAA catches you and buttfucks you so hard you can cheat no more.
PS: If you go to church please remember that this is a joke. And “judge lest ye be judged” and casting the first stone and all that good stuff. Thank you.
The Heat sold their souls, Lebron would never get a Ring without The Devil's Help!
Back from my weekend :)
I’m OFFICIALLY going to Boston College! How exciting!
Sadly, in other news, I gave in to the temptations of food in Boston...
ON THAT 4-0 SWAG.. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE
lets go eagles
Sometimes I love my school.
AND SOMETIMES I FUCKING LOVE MY SCHOOL.
LMFAO SO I GUESS RIGHT NOW WE'LL GET ANOTHER DOUBLE PLAY