“Luke Kuechly (Boston College): Scouts rave about Kuechly’s work ethic. But here’s my counter: Why is he working so hard? What’s he trying to hide behind all that over-the-top effort? Seems like he’s a showoff. Seems like he could hurt team chemistry. Pass on this guy.” - Grantland
The praise for Kuechly has been across-the-board raving. From everything you read and hear he’s the guy you want in the middle of your defense, wearing your green dot on his helmet, leading your locker room and representing your district once Obama starts The Hunger Games. Since last season, the one word you cannot separate Kuechly from is “instinctive” They use it to describe him the way they use “difficult” to describe Keith Olbermann. But then Kuechly went to the Combine where he made the scouts choke on their stopwatches. Then he went from a likely 1st Rounder to a certain Top 15 pick. And someone who’s not likely to slip past Seattle at 12. Say what you want about BC, but this continues a streak of high picks going back from Anthony Castonzo last year to BJ Raji to Matt Ryan. They might be fighting for a Chick-fil-A Bowl bid every year, but there’s no questioning that they can turn out one 1st round talent while they do.
- Barstool Sports telling it like it is
Luke Kuechly is leaving BC for the NFL after finishing his junior season as the most destructive person to ever do anything on a football field ever. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. The only way this ends well is he ends up on the Pats. I been hyping this kid since 09 because he is the REAL DEAL and if you’re not a Pats fan and your team drafts him I hate you a lot. Greatest player to go to BC since Doug Flutie. Yeah I said it. You don’t agree? You haven’t been payin attention.
Anyway… Good luck Luke.
“CHARLOTTE, N.C. (AP) — Boston College linebacker Luke Kuechly won the Bronko Nagurski Trophy given to the nation’s top college defensive player.”
Is there anything left to be said at this point? If Luke Kuechly had a nickel for every award he’s won this season (and that I SAID he’d win this season), he could buy enough food to make the Olson twins obese. If BC had anyone else good on the fuckin’ roster this year, he would’ve been a Heisman finalist. Too bad the Heisman states that you have to be on a really good team to win. Oh wait. No it doesn’t. Fuck the Heisman Trophy. Whatever. Award it to an offensive player. Luke Kuechly will just tackle him.
Luke Kuechly has 168 tackles so far this year and there are two games left on the schedule. Need I say more??? Fucking beast. Makes smashing records look like child’s play. But if he leaves for the NFL and skips our senior year (yes, OUR senior year. Boy was in my accounting class… wasup) I’m gonna flip the fuck out. Rest of the world beyond Boston College, here is your fair warning: Luke Kuechly is an animal and if your favorite NFL team doesn’t draft him, he’s going to be tossing your players around like helpless sacks of potatoes for years and years and years.
You know how sometimes someone’s team loses so badly that they say they’re gonna leave the country? After today’s Boston College football debacle, I literally did that. No fucking around. British Airways to London. Get me the fuck out of Chestnut Hill and these missed field goals with under a minute in the fourth quarter down one little point.
If it wasn’t for Luke Kuechly I don’t know if I could even handle the physical agony of watching this fuckin’ football team anymore. 0-3 AKA totally fucked. If Spaz is serious about winning they’ll give Montel Harris the old injury red shirt, give Luke whatever illegal benefits they have to so that he doesn’t jump to the NFL, and start this shit over again next year when all the good players are back and all the bad players are not as bad.
Seriously tho, let’s have Quigley kick the field goals. Why can’t the punter also be the place kicker? I’ve never understood this. It makes no sense. What is so different about field goals and punting? Like if you can do one already, you can probably learn the other pretty easily right? It’s like if baseball teams had one pitcher who threw fastballs and another who threw curveballs and just kept platooned them in and out from right field depending on the count. It’s not like you could get any worse than the guy who’s missing an extra point and the game-winning field goal every week. Coaching is all about innovation and making the right move BEFORE it’s necessary. It’s already necessary, so let’s do it Spaz! And get me that Swag Coordinator gig when I’m back on campus in 2012. OR THE WORLD WILL END.
Now that I’ve finally stopped crying and masturbating to try and make myself feel better about BC’s loss this weeknd to Northwestern, I’m taking the time to rehash the shit and order some of the chaos, since all my previous suggestions have clearly been ignored.
What’s that you say? Nobody on Tumblr cares about BC football? Well, FUCK YOU! I GIVE A SHIT! It’s the runt of the fucking litter on the Boston sports scene, but goddamnit it needs love too!!! Shit you should be a fan just as penance for all the greed, gluttony and lust that comes from watching Tom Brady play football every week since 2001 (except for that year the world stopped spinning. Fuck everything that happened in sports in 2008 after the C’s won).
Anyway, BC against Northwestern. First things first: Luke Kuechly is a motherfucking monster and everyone should know. He’s an unstoppable force of football badassery that would probably be getting Tim Tebow dicksuckage if he played south of the Mason-Dixon line. He had 19 tackles and a pick that he was literally 1 yard short of returning to the house. Basically, if you took Superman’s powers and combined them with Batman’s eyes-on-the-prize swag, you get Luke Kuechly on a football field.
#2 things second: Montel Harris really pisses me off when he’s not playing. Going back to last November, he’s missed BC’s last 3 and a half games and is going to miss at least 2 more. Before that, he’d never missed a game and was on pace to shatter every rushing record in BC history. Oh, and he’s the only football player to make me jizz myself one-tenth as much as I do for Tom Brady. I still jerk off to the memory of his game against NC State my freshman year when I got to the stadium 30 minutes early, spent the entire time leading up to kickoff talking about how Montel was our God only to be told to keep it in my pants and what happens? Montel runs for a kagillion yards and five touchdowns. Breaking records like Usain Bolt on cocaine and everyone’s been trying to push me off his dick so they can have a turn ever since.
Anyway, I bring this up because I’m like 99.999% positive that if he’d played, we’d have won. The statline for his backup said like 114 yards on 20 something carries, but that was deceptive. He really wasn’t that good. On the first play of the game, he hit a whole wider than Britney Spears’ vagina for a 69 yard run that Montel would have actually taken to the end zone, and after that, he couldn’t get 2 yards up the field. Did I mention that we didn’t score a TD on that opening drive btw? The number of easy points BC fucked up (10) would have won them the game.
Chase Rettig, the QB who makes me feel old cause he’s younger than me, actually played very well. The O-line did its very best to make him look shitty tho. He must have fucked one of their girlfriends or something cause they were letting those purple jerseys get up in his grill like they promised to make cheeseburgers on it. The fact that he didn’t get squished into the ground like Silly Putty is really testament to his white boy scrambling skills.
The guy catching most of Chase’s passes was Ifeanyi Momah, who has hands down the most fun name to scream out like a Middle Earth battle cry ever since Okechukwu Okorhoa got thrown off the team. He kept leapfrogging defenders to pull in deep passes until of course he fucked up his giant knee and is now out for the season. Hooray. At least the greatest Twitter user on the planet AKA Colin Larmond hasn’t got hurt again *knocks on wood until the season ends*.
The pass defense, on the other hand, was, uh… disconcerting. Actually, that’s the wrong word to use. I’m pretty sure Spaz was running the “Drew Barrymore in Scream” scheme because they were getting sliced and diced like a stuck pig all afternoon. By a backup QB. Cut to me in the stands screaming in powerless terror as the overmatched corners can’t hear me and their guts are spilling all over the motherfucking field every goddamned third down. The horror, the horror.
Lastly, the kicker. Oh, the kicker. If only the kicker could have made those two kicks in the first half that he should have made. Then BC’s only down 1 point with the ball at the end of the game instead of 7. Then instead of throwing a hail mary at the end of the game, they can, you know KICK A FUCKING FIELD GOAL AND WIN. Ugh. Poor kid probably needs a blowjob to pick his spirits back up before he ever has the confidence to make another kick. Too bad he’s the kicker.
Well, there you have it. Normally I thank people for reading posts that long cause I know everyone on this bitch has ADD spewing out their buttcheeks, but frankly if you didn’t read all this shit you’re a terrible Superfan and you’re gonna flunk out of school by the end of next semester. Applies even if you don’t go to BC. Yeah, frightening shit.
Deuces (Montel LEGGO!)
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon keeps on rolling: Charlotte Observer
“You’ve probably heard of Boston College’s Luke Kuechly.
He’s the guy with the hard-to-pronounce last name, who college football analysts mention first when they review the ACC’s top returning players.
He’s the 6-foot-3, 237-pound junior middle linebacker who collects tackles like fraternity guys hoard T-shirts. His 110 solo stops last season put him close to the NCAA’s single-season solo tackle record of 135 set nine years ago by Maryland’s E.J. Henderson.
Last season, after he led the nation with 183 tackles, Kuechly was named a consensus All-America. He has 341 career tackles.
“He’s not only head and shoulders above the ACC class,” ESPN analyst and former Florida State quarterback Danny Kanell said. “He’s right there head and shoulders, almost above anybody in the entire country. I really believe that he has superstar potential.”
Here are some other ACC playmakers expected to shine this season:
Boston Col., 5-10, 207, Sr., RB
If he can stay healthy, Harris has a legitimate shot at breaking former N.C. State running back Ted Brown’s 33-year-old ACC record for career rushing yards.
The ACC media’s Preseason Player of the Year, Harris needs 1,003 yards to break Brown’s record, just 125 yards to break Boston College’s all-time record. However, he won’t play in the Eagles’ Sept. 3 opener against Northwestern as he recovers from recent arthroscopic surgery on his left knee. He’s expected to miss as many as three games at the start of the season.”
Luke Kuechly has knocked the fuck out of so many college football players in the state of North Carolina that now even the writers are scared of him. Tho the fact that Montel’s out three games is enough to make me cry. Pray for his swagger’s quick recovery.
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon keeps on rolling… Rivals.com:
They ranked him the #8 play in the NCAA. A little low, but hey, at least they recognize:
“There isn’t a more prolific tackler in the nation than this guy. Kuechly has an astounding career average of 13.1 tackles per game to lead all active FBS players. He had 183 tackles (20 more than anyone else) last season while posting an NCAA-leading 110 solos. He had ranked second nationally in each of those categories as a freshman. Kuechly has made at least 10 tackles in 22 consecutive games, the longest such streak in the nation.”
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon keeps rolling… ESPN Boston:
So the ESPN Boston College blog seems to have picked up on that ACC Heisman preview from its own network’s ACC blogger. Dude seem mildly surprised that Kuechly was in the discussion, even tho he’s hands down the best player in the conference. Then he makes some idiotic comparison calling Kuechly Robin and Montel Batman and asks who’s more likely to lead the team to victory.
Question: How can Kuechly be Robin if he’s the captain of the fucking team? Montel somehow didn’t get voted captain either, which fucks up your comparison even more (I’m guessing the team was resentful of his swag). Kuechly and Montel are kinda like Pedro and Nomar were back in the late 90’s. One dominated the mound, one dominated at the plate. You needed both. Kuechly’s Pedro cause he’s on defense and he’s slightly more dominant, but Montel has to be the one to put the points on the board.
There’s another post on the site that’s literally called “Kuechly reaching superhero status.” Well not literally. They called him “Luechly.” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? You better hope nobody tells him about that or he’s gonna demolish you like a fucking mac truck next time you stick a mic in his face and ask him how he gets so many tackles. “Like this, BITCH.” (Note: Luke Kuechly would never say that. Luke Kuechly graduated with honors from the Tom Brady school of class and media etiquette. LeBron James flunked out.)
ESPN: I (and most of the people I know) would do a ten times better job blogging about BC sports than these clowns you got now. GET AT ME.
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon keeps rolling: Sports Illustrated
SI put up its 2011 ACC football preview today, and surprise, surprise, look who’s the pick to win Defensive MVP: Luke August Kuechly (We’ll ignore the part where they project BC to go 6-6 even tho they’re the favorites to win their first 6 games alone). Here’s the full quote:
“Kuechly led the nation in tackles (183) and solo tackles (110) last season. At the time, the former high school safety weighed 225 pounds. Kuechly has bulked up to 237 now, but his speed remains the same and his instincts remain sharp. Punt returners should beware as well; Kuechly is also BC’s backup long snapper.”
SI didn’t stop there with the Kuechly lovefest tho, naming him to its 2011 All-ACC preseason team, noting that “Kuechly notched 183 tackles in 2010, a staggering 20 more than any other player in the nation. The precocious sophomore was also a turnover machine, producing two forced fumbles and three interceptions.”
Montel Harris also got a share of the love, being named the first RB to the All-ACC team: “The nation’s active leading rusher boasts 3,600 yards entering his senior season, 1,243 coming last year alone. He’s a realistic threat to break Ted Brown’s alltime ACC mark (4,602) that’s held for 35 years.” So I get to watch the top ACC runner and tackler while I’m at BC? Sweet deal. If only Matt Ryan was still here (nevermind, that wouldn’t be fair).
And remember: #Kuechly40Heisman
And the Luke Kuechly bandwagon gets rolling: ESPN’s ACC blog
Well, literally the day after I told you all to bow down and accept Luke Kuechly as your college football Tom Brady, ESPN hopped aboard the Kuechly Express. In a preview of the ACC’s Heisman candidates, ESPN’s ACC football blogger Heather Dinich has named Kuechly the #3 Heisman candidate in the conference. “Only #3?” you might be saying, “that’s not that high!” Reality check: he plays defense. One defender has EVER won this award, and my dude #40 is getting name-checked in Heisman previews before his junior season has even started! Here’s the quote right from the lips (or fingertips) of the converted, and a link to the rest of the article:
“3. Boston College linebacker Luke Kuechly: He’s got so many things going for him but he also has two major strikes against him — he’s a defender and he plays for a program that’s under the national radar. He’s an unanimous All-American, though, and one of the top tacklers in the country. Montel Harris has been the heart of BC’s offense during his time there, but Kuechly is the best player on the team.”
She also lists Montel Harris as the last of four “others to consider.” Do keep in mind tho that this is the same dumbass who said BC had literally “no chance” to win a game last year without Montel Harris the week before the Eagles went down to Syracuse and won. Still, she apparently has recognized the sin of her past ways, and is now repenting at the Church of BC football.
KUECHLY FOR HEISMAN! BC FOR THE ORANGE BOWL! LONG LIVE MONTEL!
The Heat sold their souls, Lebron would never get a Ring without The Devil's Help!
Back from my weekend :)
I’m OFFICIALLY going to Boston College! How exciting!
Sadly, in other news, I gave in to the temptations of food in Boston...
ON THAT 4-0 SWAG.. WE ARE FAR FROM DONE
lets go eagles
Sometimes I love my school.
AND SOMETIMES I FUCKING LOVE MY SCHOOL.
LMFAO SO I GUESS RIGHT NOW WE'LL GET ANOTHER DOUBLE PLAY