These are Boston College’s uniform combinations for the 2011 football season.  Also, #26 is Dominick LeGrande, who will not be at Boston College for the 2011 football season, but that’s not the point. 

Grantland.com has a piece up today about how Oregon’s crazy uniforms played maybe the biggest part in turning them into the national power they are today.  The fact that Nike’s CEO went there and has donated like a billion dollars for them to build training facilities that make the shit that unparalyzes people and turns them ten feet tall and blue in Avatar look dated is mostly overlooked, but again, not the point. 

Boston College should embrace this tactic.  The article says that since Oregon doesn’t have the tradition of Penn State, Alabama or Texas, they have to be the “future” of football in order to recruit athletes.  Well, BC has a bit of tradition to recruit on (read: Doug Flutie), but if they’re gonna compete with the likes of Florida State, they need to embrace Oregon’s forward-thinking philosophy in a way that is entirely unique to a Jesuit-founded school: embrace the Second Coming.

Is it more blasphemous to use God to attract recruits, or not use God to encourage conversion at a Catholic school?  Think about it.  But first, here are some of my ideas to build BC into the next BCS power:

• Change the team’s name to the Jesus Eagles and rename the field Wrath of God Stadium
• Deck the stadium, maybe even the whole campus out in goth black mass type shit that’ll scared the fuckin’ hell out of nonbelievers (in BC football)
• Redo the jerseys so that they drip blood.  Not look like they drip blood.  Actually drip blood.
• Add a hand extending from the clouds chucking lightning bolts at Christian Ponder’s torched carcass to the helmet.  That’s about a thousand times better than having no fucking logo at all.  
• Translate all the signs and pre-recorded PA announcements in the stadium into Latin.  Everything’s more intimidating in Latin. 
• Light a giant fire on top of these arches and keep it from ever going out, like a Chestnut Hill version of the Olympic Flame.  We’ll call it, “the Flutie Fire.”  Whenever the visiting team scores its first touchdown, a life-sized dummy decked out in their uniform will be tossed into the Flutie Fire as they line up to kick the extra point.  The flame will roar violently, and after every subsequent score the opposing team’s kicker will shank the point after attempt out of sheer terror.
• Change the names on all the defensive players’ jerseys to read “God Forgives, I Don’t”
• Switch out the water in the Gatorade coolers on the visiting team’s sideline for wine during halftime.  After that, we can all sit back and enjoy the hilarious missed tackles, botched kickoffs and mind-boggling turnovers. 
• Immediately after the next away game against Notre Dame, steal the Touchdown Jesus, bring him back to Chesnut Hill and roast him in the Flutie Fire.  THAT will get the team some more network coverage.  
• And if all that still doesn’t bring a BCS bowl appearance to BC, do what the truly successful teams do… cheat, cheat and cheat until the NCAA catches you and buttfucks you so hard you can cheat no more. 

Deuces

PS: If you go to church please remember that this is a joke.  And “judge lest ye be judged” and casting the first stone and all that good stuff.  Thank you.