Bill Simmons just posted a pretty awesome article called Red Sox Report Card on his site grantland.com  It’s a little like (actually a lot like) my midseason swag ratings so I figured hey, fuck it, 100 games is as a good a milestone as any to update them.  Without further ado…

The 2011 100 (+1) Games Swag Ratings:

Alfredo Aceves (19/28) (+5): Fettucine Alfredo has really stepped up his game the last few weeks, embracing his role as Salvager of Andrew Miller Starts.  Still, you could be the greatest long reliever of all time and you’re not getting 20 swag points.

Matt Albers (17/28) (+5): El Guaper has improved just as much as Aceves.  I’ll openly admit that I shat my pants every time this Fatty Boom Boom took the mound in April.  Now?  I’m forgetting more and more about that Cubs debacle in the spring with each appearance he makes.  

Daniel Bard (25/28) (+4): “Had a rough start to the year, but he’s been a beast ever since, straight up 100 MPH strikeout machine swag.  About as much swag as you can have as a middle reliever.  Def not more than the closer tho, unless the closer absolutely blows, which is not the case here, despite what these confounding Pap haters may say.  And yeah that sentence changed direction four times.  What” That’s what I said then, and it’s just as true now.  Earned an extra swag point for each week of increased beastliness.  If he keeps it up, he’ll max out by mid-August.

Josh Beckett (25/28) (-1): He’s still been a beast, but he’s lost his status as nastiest pitcher in the AL East to CC Sabathia, and he STILL hasn’t figured out a way to rub his swag off on the offense in his starts.  Remember that 16-inning clusterfuck in Tampa that Pedroia saved the Sox in?  Shutout innings don’t mean shit if you can’t inspire some hitting Josh!  LIGHT THE FIRE MOTHERFUCKER WOOOOO!  DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS! 

Clay Buchholz (9/28) (-4): This DL shit is really starting to piss me off Clay.  Remember when you threw a no-no in 2007, got left off the playoff roster, and the team won the Series anyway?  That’s not happening again, so man up and pitch. 

Mike Cameron (0/28): MINORS! (No more swag ratings for you-hoo!)

Carl Crawford (8/28) (-2): Still not earning his money.  I really don’t see dude recovering in 2011.  Some guys need a whole year to get their shit right and deal with the pressure of playing in the Mecca of Pro Sports (see Beckett, Josh).  Then again, some guys don’t (see Gonzalez, Adrian), so who knows.  I’m banking on a ridiculous 2012 tho.  If that doesn’t happen, there’s gonna be a Carl Crawford jersey lit on fire before the end of spring semester in Vandy 311.

JD Drew (0/28) (-4): The Space Cadet has been cuckolded by a younger, more dominant male.  Completely useless at this point.  I really hope I never see him take the field for the Sox again. 

Jacoby Ellsbury (27/28) (+2): Since the last swag ratings, the Flying Beaver has absolutely caught fire and thrust himself into the MVP discussion.  He has as many homers as Adrian Gonzalez, and Adrian Gonzalez is exceeding expectations!  The only reason he doesn’t get full swag rating is cause all signs say he’s not re-signing with the Sox.  I ain’t no hit-it-and-quit-it swag rater Jacoby.  Uh-uh. 

Adrian Gonzalez (28/28) (+0): But Swagmaster, I can tell you’re thinking, he’s been slumping since the All-Star break.  Well, you know what?  FUCK YOU.  He’s still leading the majors in batting average and RBI (by a whopping 10).  And his swag has finally started to rub off on Dustin Pedroia, who apparently realized that he’s gonna get fastballs to munch on all day with Gonzo hitting behind him, and caught fire like a Buddhist monk (oh, shit!)

Bobby Jenks (0/28) (+0): Does this guy still exist?  Is he on the DL again?  Did he shave that thing off his face yet?  Wait, don’t answer any of those.  Nobody gives a shit. 

John Lackey (7/28) (+7): He’s ripped off four straight wins and his ERA appears to have gone on a diet.  He still doesn’t look anything like the guy we thought we were getting, but as long as Horse Face keeps racking up the W’s, the swag points will follow. 

Jon Lester (24/28) (+1): He’s started pitching better, which of course means the Sox have stopped scoring in his starts.  But if I know Hannibal Lester, (and I do… not personally… but I’ve seen Silence of the Lambs a few times AND I’ve watched him pitch on TV like a hundred times), he’s gonna scare or swag the lineup into giving him those 10-run cushions he’s gotten accustomed to again. 

Jed Lowrie (5/28) (-3): Every play Marco Scutaro fucks up is a play Jed Lowrie fucks up by not being healthy.  It must suck knowing that he could’ve had the starting shortstop gig the past two years but he physically is incapapble of keeping it. 

Daisuke Matsuzaka (0/28) (-5): Dice-K’s days with the Sox are probably done.  Unless he comes back next year, in which case he’s probably got 3-5 starts in him before his Sox career comes to a close.  

Darnell McDonald (13/28) (+2): Darnell’s definitely stepped up his play since Josh Reddick asserted himself as the alpha male in right field.  He’d get more swag points if the reason behind his improvement wasn’t being a giant pussy who can’t handle pressure.  Is that too harsh?  Whatever. 

Yamaico Navarro (7/28) (NR): Would’ve cracked 10 if he hadn’t made that goofy error last night, didn’t get pinch hit for in the fifth inning of a game against the Kansas City Royals, and had an easier-to-spell name. 

David Ortiz (26/28) (+1): I wrote on the last swag ratings post that Papi was the 2nd-best hitter on the Sox.  Now, he’s dropped to 4th-best, but not cause he’s playing any worse.  Papi’s been doing his thing (that grand slam last night was a fucking BOMB), but Ells and Pedroia have just been playing out of their minds.  Gets an extra swag point for the slam and that weird exchange with Heidi Watney after the game.  They don’t call him Big Papi for nothin’.  Playa!

Jonathan Papelbon (26/28) (+2): Hasn’t blown a save and has only given up 1 run in his 8 appearances since I doled out those first 24 swag points.  Him and Bard are basically Grim and Reaper at this point. 

Dustin Pedroia (28/28) (+10): “Not at MVP swag levels like 08, but could approach it if he keeps improving.”  Did I call sell that shit short or what?  The Muddy Chicken has been the best player in baseball over the past month, and it’s not even close.  Misses the cycle by like 5 feet one night, no biggie, just goes 3-for-3 the next day.  24-game hit streak?  No fuckin’ problem (Note: If this snaps tonight, blame me and not him).  He’s the only dude on this team to win an MVP and he’s not gonna lose that title without a fight.  Month-long beast mode and counting. 

Josh Reddick (20/28) (NR): Wasn’t rated last go-around because he hadn’t played much.  Seizing this omission as motivation, Josh has not only put a chokehold on the starting right field spot, but completely destroyed his top competition (the Space Cadet formerly known as a contributing member of the Boston Red Sox).  Entirely eliminated one of the Sox’s biggest question marks on his own.  Bravo, Josh, bravo. 

Jarrod Saltalamacchia (19/28) (+2): Maxing out on the “I’m the slightly more used side of a dynamic catching platoon” swag rating.  Can break 20 with his first Salty Dog legendary drink-and-destroy night around Boston’s bar scene. 

Marco Scutaro (5/28) (-4): One more double meltdown like that botched squeeze play-get thrown out at second base fiasco, and I’m knocking the Soccer Mom down to a single swag point, solely based on his ability to physically stand at the shortstop position (unlike Jed Lowrie). 

Jason Varitek (19/28) (+0): Tek was gonna lose a point because he hadn’t hit a homer for like six months, but then he hit that fuckin’ bomb that cleared everything in left field, and he went back to max swag for his status (see Salty for full title).  Actually, the only reason Salty hasn’t eclipsed him is that Jason Varitek still holds the title of Captain of the Bomb Squad. 

Tim Wakefield (21/28) (+1): They’ve been winning his starts even tho he lets dudes score like the biggest slut at your high school.  I’m 100% sure that it’s because he’s a psycho serial-killer that’ll ravage the entire Sox organization if the team doesn’t score double-digits in his starts, and frankly fear for my own safety is the only reason I’m bumping up his swag rating.  (Just kidding if you’re reading this Mr. Wakefield! *Gulp*)

Dan Wheeler (6/28) (+0): Yeah he’s been pitching better, but he’s still Dan Wheeler. 

Kevin Youkilis (17/28) (+2): He’s still the angry dude at slow pitch softball games who spazzes out when his team is losing or he gets out.  But he did make an All-Star team, and since A-Fraud got hurt, I’ve been jizzing rainbows he’s pretty much the best third baseman in the AL.  Plus, when Alex Rodriguez goes on the DL, it’s a cause to celebrate.  Swag for you Kevin Youkilis.  You go Kevin Youkilis. 

Again, no need for grading Tito or Theo.  I repeat: 2 WORLD SERIES TITLES.  SWAG POINTS ON INFINITY. 

Unless the Yankees beat them in the playoffs.  I can’t even envision what would happen to my immediate surroundings and anyone I would blame if that happens.  So let’s just agree that it won’t!

Deuces