So Cam Newton is slated to start Carolina’s second preseason game, after Jimmy Clausen AKA The Schoolboy Bitch AKA Fuckface started the first. I know what you’re thinking: “Why does a Patriots fan give a flying fuck about a team that went 2-14 last season?” Well here’s why.
I love Cam Newton. He is my favorite non-BC college football player of all time, because his 2010 season was the most amazing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, dude made my jaw drop every week. My Saturdays went like this: watch BC, watch Cam, party. It was fucking beautiful. Search “Cam Newton top 10” on YouTube. You will buy his Auburn #2 jersey just like I did.
Anyway, when he got drafted by Carolina, #1 overall I was proud of my boy. Then the Clausen problem. Jimmy Clausen, of course, is the whiny little bitch who used to play QB at Whiny Little Bitch U AKA Notre Dame. Fuckface was supposed to be the best QB in the NCAA, but uh, that never happened. Then he was supposed to be a top 10 pick, but uh, that never happened either (suck it Mel Kiper!). Then he was supposed to be a good rookie QB, but uh, he threw a million picks instead.
Obviously the Panthers jump on the chance to get Cam (The Schoolboy Bitch was the reason they were picking #1 anyway), but then Cam comes to camp and Jimmy won’t give up the #2 jersey? Fuck you, Jimmy! Who the fuck do you think you are? I bet him and Brady Quinn spent the entire lockout sailing back and forth between their parents’ beach houses in Maryland, bitching about how Cam Newton and Tim Tebow aren’t really better than they are between ripping hits from the bong and calling each other “bro.” Be warned football recruits. Taking a scholarship to play at Notre Dame turns you into a whiny bitch who gets cuckolded in the pros by the same guy who won the Heisman the year Daddy promised YOU’d win it. Fuck Jimmy Clausen the Schoolboy Bitch and fuck Brady Quinn, shame to the Brady name.