Yo Tumblr, I know it’s been a minute since I posted shit regularly. Well something happened recently that got the Tumblin juices going. Something so stupid, funny, awesome, and Tom Brady-y at the same time that I just gotta talk about it. And you’re getting MINIMUM one post a day from now on as a result. Hold me to it if you give a fuck.
ANYWAY that thing is of course TEBOW TO THE JETS. What in the name of Rex Ryan’s overworked asshole is this shit? Let’s review how we got here:
- Jets get Brett Favre a long time ago. Everyone thinks they learn their lesson when he leaves cause of that sucking at football and sexting pics of his dick thing.
- Jets draft Mark Sanchez. GUESS NOT
- Broncos draft Tebow. Elway fires coach for it. Fans demand Tebow plays cause Orton sucks. Tebow wins a playoff game. Elway is like “Uhh Tebow Y U NO LOSE”
- Colts cut Peyton Manning cause his neck is broken and he’s 36 but nobody else gives a fuck
- Jets give Mark Sanchez mad money
- Elway gives Peyton mad money and tells Tebow and everyone who likes Tebow to suck his D
- Everyone sucks his D cause he’s John Elway and it’s Denver
- Jets get Tebow and keep Sanchez
So basically Tebow is doing to Sanchez what Manning just did to Tebow, which is come into his city, be more popular than him, and basically fuck his life. Like seriously, who in New York LIKES Sanchez? Everyone’s assuming Sanchez is gonna stay the QB and Tebow’s gonna be some type of new position nobody’s invented yet. Hold on. Who won a playoff game last year? Who pulled off crazy win after crazy win with legendary swag? And who is considered the pussy weak link on a team otherwise filled with kinda alright thugs? The answers are Tebow, Tebow and Sanchez. Tho you could also put Brady in there for the first 2 answers and Joe Flacco for the last but whatever.
Like Mark Sanchez should be shitting the last pair of pants he didn’t already ruin while he crapped away the Jets’ last 3 seasons. Mark, NOBODY LIKES YOU. EVERYBODY LIKES TEBOW. REMEMBER KYLE ORTON? YOU’RE HIM, BUT WORSE. Seriously, this is like Rex Ryan telling his wife how much he loves massaging her feet and then he invites some really hot prude Christian chick from down the road to come over and walk barefoot around his lawn while he fantasizes about tickling the shit out of them with his fat fuckin fingers. And who the fuck knows, it’s New York, she just got dumped for an older more talented man, maybe she cracks.
All I know is that the Jets maxed out the fuckedupness of Mark Sanchez’s confidence, spent the whole offseason waiting for a way to fuck him up more, and then capitalized on the opportunity. And you know what my favorite part of this shit is? Once again it just underscores how awesome Tom Brady and the Pats have been the past 11 years, when losing a Super Bowl is considered a colossal failure because they’ve been better than everyone the whole time. You think the Pats would ever cut Brady? You think they’re trading for a dude who just started a playoff game at QB anytime soon? Fuck no.
PS How about Sean Payton getting suspended for the whole fuckin season? Makes Spygate look like the insignificant shit it really was. For the rest of his life I hope they bring this shit up and I hope that everyone his teams ever beat comes out bitching about how they should have to give back their Super Bowl and shit. But that won’t happen because the Saints aren’t the kings, the Patriots are the kings, and that’s how it’s gonna be until Brady and Belichick stop dominating the world and ascend into football heaven together.
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